


Hidden Pain Means Hidden Wounds

by B_Rabbit14



Series: Hunter x Hunter works by B_Rabbit14 [5]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Bittersweet Ending, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Please Be careful, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Starvation, bit of a rant fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26261905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B_Rabbit14/pseuds/B_Rabbit14
Summary: What am I doing?What you need to.I'm hurting myself-You deserve it.I'm going to die at this rate!That's what you-no what I deserve. I hurt them, I deserve to feel like this."Shut up!"Gon has been dealing with some issues after coming home to Whale Island but has been skillfully hiding it from his aunt and great grandmother because well... he doesn't think he deserves their help. He's destroyed so much already what would it matter if he destroyed himself.(Please be careful reading this mentions of self-harm in the forms of self-starvation are included. If you are not comfortable reading something like this please don't.)
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Mito Freecs
Series: Hunter x Hunter works by B_Rabbit14 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1903207
Kudos: 15





	Hidden Pain Means Hidden Wounds

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: mentions of self-harm in the form of self-starvation
> 
> (I know I put that already in the tags and summary but better safe than sorry)

_ Pain. _

That was what first registered in his brain when his eyes blearily opened. The offending sensation was emitting from the middle of his torso, he didn't recall getting injured anywhere on his stomach but slowly lifted his tank top just to be sure. He was only met with the sight of his normal- if not sweaty, tan stomach. Gon poked the toned surface gently with a finger and frowned when nothing happened by the pain was still present. It wasn't bad exactly, no the pain was immense but not so bad that he couldn't endure it. The young teen pushed himself into a sitting position and pulled his knees close to his chest while resting his forehead atop them. He let out a shaky sigh and closed his eyes tightly as if trying to will the pain to cease but the universe didn't seem to favor him today.

His mind drifted from the physical pain to his mental wounds, it had been nearly half a year since he and Killua had parted ways at the World Tree. Half a year since he almost died... Gon's breath hitched at the memory but he quickly squashed that incoming train of thought and slowly laid back on the bed. A glance outside told him it was still early morning, a sudden pang from his stomach reminded him that he most likely wouldn't be going back to sleep anytime soon. With a small groan, the young male rolled onto his side hugging his middle and curling into a fetal position. It was going to be fine, this sort of thing had been happening a lot recently but it was nothing he couldn't handle. A little stomachache was nothing compared to losing an arm-nope, shouldn't have made that comparison.

Gon didn't recall falling asleep again but he what felt like only seconds later he was waking up again and the pain seemed to be gone. He stared blankly at the ceiling for a moment before wondering what Mito would prepare for breakfast, the thought of eating caused his gut to drop and his breath to hitch. He closed his eyes tightly and threw his arm over his face while gritting his teeth as his stomach rolled uncomfortably accompanied by the ever-present throbbing. He didn't want to move, didn't even want to be awake but he also didn't want to worry Mito or his grandmother. So, with a pained sigh Gon pulled himself in a sitting position gritting his teeth, and threw his legs over the side of the bed letting them dangle as he allowed the blood to flow to his head. Gon stared off into space with a deep frown marring his features as he tried to collect his thoughts and place them back into their sealed box so he could worry about them later before slowly rising to stand.

His bare feet slapped quietly against the cold wooden floor and a chill ran up his spine waking him up even more, with a yawn he moved to grab a new tank top from his drawer before pulling it on after taking off the old one. Gon's stomach rolled as his amber eyes roamed over to his door, past it, and down the stairs, he could hear the clattering of dishware as his two guardians worked to prepare breakfast. He couldn't worry them with his nonsensical problems, he didn't want to become even more of a burden than he was. The young Hunter heaved a deep breath before a wide smile stretched across his lips and he walked to the door. Gon walked down the stairs making sure his footsteps were louder than necessary to alert both older females that he was descending.

"Good morning!" He called as he rounded into the kitchen and Mito smiled lovingly at him causing his heart to clench. He didn't deserve it, he'd messed up so many things he didn't deserve to have something like this for himself.

"Good morning, how did you sleep?" Mito replied as she turned back to the stove, Abe squeezed past her moving to set the table in the dining room.

"Pretty good,"  _ Horrible. _ He lied flawlessly as he grabbed onto a platter holding pieces of sliced ham and bacon, he took it into his hands and followed his great grandmother into the other room.

Once they all sat down at the table and gave their thanks for the food both Mito and Abe began to eat while Gon glared weakly down at his food with his fork in hand. He poked at the scrambled eggs on his plate knowing what the consequences of eating would be, his stomach would ache even worse than it did earlier, and later on, it would feel as if he'd never eaten at all. He couldn't just stop eating or Mito would notice something was wrong but if he ate then it would cause more pain for him later on.

_ But you deserve it... _

Gon grit his teeth at the sound of the voice and gripped his fork tighter nearly causing it to bend in his grasp before slamming it in the pile of food on his plate with a loud clank. Mito and Abe jumped at the sudden sound and looked to the young boy in concern as he began to viciously shove food in his mouth, his gaze was directed at his food so he missed their confused stares and they, in turn, missed the heated look in his eyes. Mito smiled fondly thinking nothing of Gon's actions and continued her meal while Abe let her gaze linger on Gon for a few seconds longer before eventually averting her eyes back to her plate.

* * *

Just as he knew it would the pain in his abdomen intensified as his food hit the lowest point in his gut a couple of hours later, luckily he was able to skip out on lunch because after he'd finished up his schoolwork for the day Mito had allowed him to go for a walk. The kind woman had asked him if he wanted her to pack him a lunch but he declined to say that he would find something to eat in the forest should he get hungry. He hated lying to his aunt but the second he'd say he wasn't hungry she's know something was wrong in an instant, after all, Gon had always been able to eat twice his weight in food growing up. To suddenly stop and say he didn't feel like eating anything would spark a conversation he was not ready to have.

The small male slumped down against a tree and sighed heavily while his golden eyes gazed blankly at the grass in front of him. He didn't feel like moving, it hurt too much and his chest felt too tight. His head felt fuzzy and his eyes burned as if tears threatened to spill. 

Why though? He had nothing to cry for.

He shouldn't be pitying himself, he had hurt so many people because of his actions. Gon didn't think if he'd ever be able to make it up to any of them. He deserved this pain, it was small in comparison to the pain of Killua's heart cracking at his harsh words. Smaller than the pain of stress Leorio felt as he paced the hospital he's landed himself in. It was small compared to the tearing and melding of Kite's flesh after he'd left him alone with Pitou. His pain was nothing compared to theirs's and he had no right to be pitying himself.

_ You hurt them, it's only right you're hurting as well. _

* * *

He stopped eating after that. At breakfast, he'd pretend to be busy taking care of something and tell Mito he'd eat it when he was done. Mito thought his strange actions were because he had finally found the drive he'd been lacking to work hard again so she brought his food upstairs. When she was outside Gon snuck downstairs and slipped the uneaten food into the leftovers kept in the fridge and by the time she came back in he was drying his dishes and putting them away. He'd thank her for the food and head back to his room to finish his work for the day.

The clenching of his gut stopped some but was replaced by the startling pang of hunger, Gon ignored it. He never said anything about the moments he'd take off his shirt and noticed his ribs poking out or his arms becoming thinner as the muscle was eaten up by his fast metabolism. He hadn't been eating much before this and was already losing weight so he didn't think much of it. He didn't mention the moments he got up from his bed and immediately collapsed to the floor, or the moments he felt faint and threw up stomach acid in the bathroom.

After the sixth day, he couldn't get out of bed that morning. His entire lower torso was throbbing like a giant bruise from both his hunger and anxiety while the rest of his body felt heavy. He couldn't even muster the strength to call out to his family, would they even come if he did?

He decided it didn't matter, after all...

_ You deserve this... _

* * *

Mito placed the last of the food on the table and looked over to her grandmother with a small frown, Abe glanced up from her tea with her wrinkled brow furrowed and lips pressed into a thin line. Gon hadn't made any noise all morning and hadn't come down, Mito had made sure he'd gone to bed the night before and found him snoring at his desk when she got there. She moved to take him to bed expecting to struggle to lift him-she still couldn't believe how big he was getting- but was surprised to have lifted him without any problems. Now, she knew that Gon wasn't this light even two years ago when he'd first left so instantly worry set in but she decided to ask about in the morning. Only, Gon had yet to rise from his room.

She was going to wait until after breakfast was finished to go get him hoping that he'd come down during that time but he didn't and now considering her worries from last night that combined with her new fears of her nephew's delayed arrival she couldn't help but be stressed. As she headed up the stairs she thought she might be being paranoid but she could just berate herself later. As she approached the closed door to Gon's room her heartbeat quickened as her worry bled into fear, twisting the doorknob slowly Mito opened the door and peered into the room.

Inside Gon was indeed still laying on his bed, that seemed normal enough until she realized that he was still in the same position she'd laid him in the night before. Now if anyone knew the young male like Mito did they would sure as hell know that Gon moved around a LOT in his sleep, within a few hours he could go from sleeping like a normal person to have his rear in the air and his face pressed into his sheets with his pillows and blankets scattered about the bed and floor. Mito's frown deepened as she moved into the room staring intently at the still form of her surrogate son, his chest rose and fell steadily but much too slowly to be normal. As she got closer she could see his eyes were open, though they were glazed over and his empty gaze stared above him at the ceiling as he continued to breathe with his chapped lips that were slightly parted to let just the right amount of air in.

Mito took in the state of her son and felt her heart stop, how did this happen? It was obvious that Gon's condition was the cause of malnourishment and starvation but he had been eating.

No. He hadn't.

It clicked for her suddenly. The random thuds she heard from his room that she shrugged off because Gon was often clumsy sometimes and if something was truly wrong he would have called out for her or Abe, but those  _ weren't _ the sounds of Gon tripping. They were the sounds of him  _ fainting _ . How could she have missed this? And she called herself his  _ mother _ ?!

Gon's breathing studdered knocking her out her daze and she knelt next to his bedside with her hands hovering by the sides of his face, tears streamed down her face but she couldn't be bothered to wipe them away.

"Gon, baby, what's wrong?!" She cried but the only response she got was his eyes slowly rolling to gaze at her emptily, the sight of his eyes dull-once so bright but after he came back some of that light was gone, what happened to her baby?- broke her heart and a sob ripped from her throat. She hurriedly moved his blankets off of him and nearly cried out once more when she noticed how big his clothes seemed on him now, his tank top normally a tad tight-fitting now hung off of his torso and the waistband of his shorts hovered over his thin stomach showing how thin his hips had gotten. Mito covered her mouth and looked back to Gon's face, his eyes weren't looking at her anymore and had returned to staring blankly at the ceiling once more. The young woman scrambled to her feet and raised downstairs shouting for her grandmother along the way.

* * *

The doctor had come had looked over Gon, though he didn't bother listening to what he'd said to his aunt as his mind still felt muddled after being sedated when the doctor put the tube up his nose. He didn't like it much because of how it tickled his throat in the way down but he was too weak to complain. He didn't regret what he did but he did regret causing his aunt to worry, seeing her in tears while she spoke to the doctor tugged at his heart. A couple of hours after the doctor left and Mito had come upstairs to check on the IV drip connected to his arm, she seemed shocked when she noticed he was sitting up.

He stared down at his lap with eyes downcast and Mito wanted to cry as she took in the gaunt appearance his face had taken to. Gon's youthful face looked so much older than it had any right to, his cheeks sunken in and his eyes dull and empty. She felt like a failure of a parent, she felt no better than Ging. How could not have noticed this going on in her very home? She felt her breath catch in her throat when Gon turned his head upward and stared right at her for a moment it felt like he wasn't actually staring at her more like through her but slowly his eyes brightened-not by much but enough to notice- and then widened. A small hiccup was the only warning she got before the waterworks began.

_ What am I doing? _

_ What you need to. _

_ I'm hurting myself- _

_ You deserve it. _

_ I'm going to die at this rate! _

_ That's what you-no what  _ **_ I _ ** _ deserve. I hurt them, I deserve to feel like this. _

"Shut up!" His hoarse voice suddenly shouted and his hand flew to the sides of his head gripping tightly at his hair. Mito jumped at his sudden yell before rushing to his side she moved to touch his shoulder but he recoiled as if she'd burned him, he scooted away from her and pressed his back against the wall ignoring the uncomfortable tug against the IV in his arm. He curled into himself and buried his face into his arms that hugged his knees to his chest tightly.

_ I hurt them worse than this, they would agree that I deserve this. _

_ No..! They would never say that! They care about me! _

_ But I didn't care about how they felt back then! _

"Shut up! Just... go away..!" Gon sobbed his voice hoarse and head spinning from his sudden movements. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry, okay? So, please..."

"Gon,"

Gon twitched but didn't raise his head, Mito moved anyways. She encircled her arms around Gon's small form and pulled him into her lap trying to ignore how easy it was to do so. She was mindful of the IV and tube to attached to the young teen as she pulled him into her chest, Gon stayed frozen for a moment before finally caving and cried into Mito's shoulder while his hands grasp tightly onto her dress. Mito didn't know what happened to her son to make him like this and also knew that now was definitely not the time to ask, she would soon but not now. She wanted to help him but couldn't do so when he refused to let her in, if she wanted him to confide in her she had to show that she wanted to understand, that she still cared.

It would take time but soon Gon could begin to head down the road of healing, and Mito was going to make sure to be there every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, first off, let me say that this is partially based on my own experiences. I was quite hesitant on writing this and even posting it but either way here it is. I have tried force myself to stop eating once before but NEVER to this degree, I realized after a day or two that what I was doing was stupid and wouldn't help my stomach at all. I'm very easily stressed and try to not be that way but it's easier said than done, you can't tell someone not to stress and then expect that stress to magically disappear just because you told them that. They need someone to talk to, someone who is willing to help them through their problems as best as they can, luckily I have some good friends who help when they can.
> 
> Please, and I really mean this, PLEASE, if you are ever feeling this way find someone, anyone who you think can help and just talk to them. I posted this to spread awareness in a sense of how stress and anxiety hurts people in more subtle ways because let's be honest people, when we hear the word 'anxiety' we automatically think of panic attacks or social anxiety. It's not like that for everyone though, for some it affects them quietly and hurts them just as silently and if it goes on without help can lead to deadly consequences. I don't want that to happen to anyone, no one is truly alone unless they make it that way. 
> 
> The first step to getting help, is asking for it.
> 
> Thank you for reading and sorry for rambling.
> 
> Please pardon any mistakes I may have overlooked.


End file.
